You want to be regarded as an exiting and interesting personality able to persuade others to comply with your beliefs and ideas. You are charming and able to influence other people who come into your sphere of influence. You like mental stimulation and you are the sort of person who is prepared to 'try anything once'. Your confidence is so much so that others are often swept away by your enthusiasm.
You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.
Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.
Ok, it sounds hoaky that someone can tell you all about yourself just by you clicking on a few colored cubes. It all sounds kind of generalized to me. Who hasn't felt this way or that way at one point in their lives? Still, if you're egocentric (which most of us are) head over there.
swirly said what she needed to say 9:15 PM
old school BTVS cracks me up. I laughed so hard that i actually had my frosty beverage coming outta my nose.
In other news: I've gotta go by the cashiers office and drop off a big fat check that was also once known as my income tax return. I hate being poor.
swirly said what she needed to say 12:46 AM
Friday, April 26, 2002
I said yesterday that I would do a proper entry today. So here it is.
This week has been crazy! My great-grandmother's sister, Minnie Mae, is doing well. We went to see her yesterday. I brought her a beverage cooler (see this weeks Target ad) so she could keep chilled drinks around. She even laughed when I told her we would be turning her room into a college dormitory, if I put a couple of cans of beer into her cooler. The one thing that my mom and I were glad to hear her tell us was that she knows that the past few weeks she's been hallucinating some odd things. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I was to hear her say this! Last week she was convinced that her roommate, along with the rest of the retirement home staff/community, was plotting against her. Minnie told us yesterday that she knows it was all in her head.
On Wednesday, I met of with a few friends for cake and coffee.
Tuesday was spent running around to a couple of colleges in the area to find out about Sign Language programs. I realized that I've always been interested in helping "special needs" children. It was just the fact that that the words "special needs" could mean anything. What I really wanted to do was work in an educational environment with blind and deaf children. So, I'll start in the fall working toward my interpreter certification for Sign Language, and then I'll work with a tutor to help me get ready to take the certification test for teachers.
I think that's why I liked working in publishing so much. I was working with tons of teacher all across the U.S. to help them work toward their educational goals for their students. I would still like to go back to the publishing industry, eventually. But for now I think I've made a good choice. During the summer sessions, I'll be taking some marketing classes. Those are more for my own interest, not for the sign language certification.
And Monday, well, monday was just spent doing laundry and looking for a J-O-B.
See? Proper entry. Anyway, I'm gonna go out with Kelly and Kelly tonight. Kelly's paying for us to see Blade II. I love it when the guy pays on a date, hahah!
swirly said what she needed to say 6:51 PM
1. What are your hobbies? I do a lot of stuff that would be considered hobbies. But the hobbies that could be considered pretty nerdy are the ones I'll tell you about. I scrapbook a lot more than I used to, but that's because I don't have a job yet. I also do some embroidery work, but I usually do that around Christmas time. Just running around listening to bands that my friends are in.
2. Do you collect anything? I collect porcelain boxes and shot glasses.
3. Is there a hobby you're interested in, but just don't have the time/money to do?
Fencing (with foils, not fencing stolen goods or anything).
Developing my own b&w photos (I only know the basics, but I just don't have the money to do it)
I want to learn how to make my own paper.
I'm super interested in learning how to swim, but that's more fear than anything else.
And the weirdest hobby that I'm interested in: learning how to tattoo
4. Have you ever turned a hobby into a moneymaking opportunity?
5. Besides web-related stuff (burbs, rings, etc.), what clubs do you belong to? None.
swirly said what she needed to say 5:48 PM
Thursday, April 25, 2002
My computer has been whacked out the past couple of days. But a lot has happened while I haven't been updating. I'll do a proper update tomorrow.
swirly said what she needed to say 11:41 PM
Monday, April 22, 2002
This weekend was pretty fun. A group of my friends all manned a booth at the Main Street Arts Festival serving margaritas. It was a lot of work, but we had enough food and margaritas to make us happy. Being paid too wasn't a bad schtick.
I did see a girl that I hadn't seen since my high school physics class. I also spotted an exboyfriend. The friend from high school was more fun to talk to.
Well, you know how I said that those dorks who broke into my car stole 6 pennies? I found those 6 pennies on the floorboard last night. What idiots.
swirly said what she needed to say 11:04 AM
Saturday, April 20, 2002
I'm going back to bed. 'Night.
swirly said what she needed to say 6:29 AM
Damn the man.
swirly said what she needed to say 6:22 AM
I woke up this morning more tired than usual. Coffee sounded like the best idea. But when I went out side I found all of my car doors open and my trunk open. Some jackasses in the middle of the night broke in. But I still managed to get the last laugh. My stereo and cd player are bolted into the car. I didn't leave anything in the car except for 6 pennies in the ashtray. What total morons! It makes me laugh to think that these guys spent sometime time in my car and didn't walk away with anything but 6 pennies. And I probably caught the fact that my lights were all on in the car soon enough that there's not much drain on the battery.
The only thing that bugs me is that some clap-infested person was in my car. What a bastard.
swirly said what she needed to say 6:11 AM
Friday, April 19, 2002
1. What's your favorite TV show and why? Ok, let me first start by saying that I usually have to tape shows that happen during prime time and watch them on the weekends. So that being in mind...I love watching Conan O'Brien because I can watch him every night of the week! I love to laugh. But I have to say that on Sunday, between 8-9 p.m. I don't answer the phone because I'm watching Alias.
2. Who is your favorite television star? I don't really have one.
3. What was your favorite TV show as a child? It was probably a cartoon.
4. What show do you think should have been cancelled by now? Anything on Daytime televison.
5. What new show do you hope escapes the axe this season? I used to love watching Roswell (the guy who plays Max is hot), but they've already cancelled it.
swirly said what she needed to say 10:20 AM
Thursday, April 18, 2002
Songs I need to find, so I can burn a swanky rat pack-esqe cd:
"Return to Me"
"At Long Last Love"
"Good Mornin' Life"
"Ain't that a kick in the head"
"Luck be A Lady"
"Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat"
"You're nobody 'til somebody loves you"
"I Only Have Eyes for You"
"Fly Me To The Moon (In Other Words)"
"A Lot Of Livin' To Do"
" Witchcraft "
"Young At Heart"
"I Get A Kick Out Of You"
"The Lady Is A Tramp"
"Same Old Saturday Night"
"Memories Are Made Of This"
"Something's Gotta Give"
Next thing to look for: Martini glasses!
swirly said what she needed to say 1:41 AM
Three people I talked to today:
Brian
Dee
Kelly
Three things that I considered weird today:
My cell phone ringing like gangbusters at 6:30 a.m.
The guy that followed me around while I was shopping at Albertsons, he was actually cute- just that fact that he was following me around made it creepy.
I totally just lied to Paul. I'm still mad about being told I I run away from things. And then last night, after having a totally miserable weekend because of this thing with Paul, I basically got put on hold because he had other stuff to do. Huh? He had other stuff to do instead of sit there and explain exactly what he meant. So, I'm still mad about it. I think I'm a little bit scared about what he could have said last night be didn't get the chance to because of time constraints.
Other than the fact that i worried about what Paul meant all weekend, it was a pretty low key. I saw Allen and his...whatever you want to call her. When we all met up in Saturday morning, Dee asked Allen, " Have you introduced them?". To which that--his whatever said "I know who she is". Oh really? Did Allen tell you that I'll treat you like a total moron if you act like one? Nothing else was said after that and no introductions were made. This is totally why I think that I Allen is gonna back out of getting married. He would have said it on Saturday, "Natalie, this is Lauren. We're getting [gag] married in October". He didn't.
Right now, I hate my life so much.
swirly said what she needed to say 6:28 PM
Saturday, April 13, 2002
A very late:
1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? Mexican Inn. You only have 8 things to choose from on the menu, but it's $5.75 a plate and they have the most amazing chips and salsa! It was a staple in my college diet: it was cheap and it was a block from school.
2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? Sonic or Whataburger. Sonic has tater tots, Whataburger serves a 45 ounce shake that could be a meal in itself.
3. What are your standards and rules for tipping? I'm a pretty good tipper. Most people double the tax. I usually do that if they're crappy. If I have a good waitperson, I usually tip them 1/2 of what my bill is.
4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? I usually order spinach and artichoke dip if they serve it. I'm not a dessert person though.
5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? Fast Food: Dr. Pepper. If it's a restaurant, I order a Monopolova martini (clean with 2 olives). Mmmmm Mmmm.
swirly said what she needed to say 2:02 AM
Thursday, April 11, 2002
I had a great dinner tonight with Dee and Alaine. Apparently, Dee and I totally baffle Alaine. Due in large part because we recognize that what you want, isn't always what you need. The question came up over and over: "How can you just have sex with someone and it not mean anything?" Maybe we oversimplified it for her. I think that every encounter means something...it means you were missing something at that time. I fall back on my mud pie theory to support what I say.
You know those kids who eat paste or mud? Most of the time they do it because they are lacking some sort of nutritional value that the paste or mud holds. As kids, they have no idea that's why they're eating it, they just know that they want to eat paste or mud! But it's their body giving them a signal to down that mud pie or tub of paste. I think as we get older, those signals are still around. Most of the time we just ignore it though. Because that's what we're "supposed" to do. Adults eat the paste or the mud pie too, only this time it's other people. The signal's there, we just have to know how and when to react.
Dee and I were trying to explain that even though there could be a naked guy right in front of you that has every quality you're looking for, sometimes it's not what you're needing. Like, I have this whole list of qualities that I've written down over the years. It's basically a blueprint of the man I want. But I know deep down that if I get the "signal" my list will go right out of the window.
As the evening and drinks progressed, Dee told me what I really needed was a bad boy. She's right in a way. I kinda had that bad boy fix when I was running around with her brother Allen. But since we're not friends, that's missing. Allen was a nice bad boy. He looks like the stereotypical all American guy in the 50s greaser uniform. He frequents the tattoo parlors; and some bars that he's been in would make a girl who thought she'd seen everything die of embarrassment. He's hot. But he'd also give you his left kidney if you asked him for it, not that you'd want to take it though because he was and still can be quite the drinker. And the whole time, he's got this bad boy persona mixed with the most charming smile you've ever seen in your whole life. And still, you know there's something deeper to him than the hell raiser he's infamous for being.
Yeah, I had it bad. You can't replace bad boys like that. And who would ever want to?
Of course, he's totally everything that my list tells me are bad things. He's not college educated. He's not Catholic, doesn't have any of his proverbial ducks in a row. He thinks it's ok to shoot deers, and I've actually heard him say some things that most sailors wouldn't even repeat around their best buddies. But he listened to me and actually has something worthwhile to contribute to more than one of daily our 3 hour conversations. Sometimes, he can't wait for me to finish making my point before he cuts in with his. He's sat through "girly" movies with me when I was down. He even let me see him cry once. He considers Mazzy Star's So Tonight That I Might See to be "the best three day-date" music he's ever heard. But the best thing is that I, for quite awhile, considered him the best friend I could ever had.
So, Dee was right to a certain extent. I need a bad boy--maybe. I need someone that I could consider my best friend even more. This is exactly why I would throw the list away should I ever get the "signal". I just hope that I won't run away from it, like Paul has accused me of doing on more than one occassion. I'm scared I suppose, just like the rest of world is. No one wants to be rejected; no one wants to be alone either. But that is no excuse to settle for what's only on the balance sheet.
swirly said what she needed to say 12:39 AM
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
This is my dog, Evita. We got her in November. She was struck by a car and the clinic my sister works at took care of her. She suffered severe neurological damage at the time, and they thought she would die in 2 days. She's now a hefty 3.5 pounds ( she was weighing only 1/2 that in the picture) and she does more than sleep now. She does have a problem with wanting to bite at you, but her teeth are so little it's more to get your attention than to inflict damage. I love Evita.
I dreamed about that "discussion" I had about running away. It made me feel worse than having to argue my side to Paul. Did I mention I hate when he's right about me?
I mailed a sympathy card to Phil's mom.
I called Randy Adams (tattoo place) to find out how much piercings would run me.
I get mad at Paul when he's right about me. He told me today that I can't run away from realationships forever. To which I replied: " I'll always run away. It's what I do." Paul told me that sooner or later someone's gonna get me to stop. You know what? I'd love that to happen, but it's not going to. I've already taken my chance, and what did I get? I got Phil! A guy who was as bad at love as I was at being nice for no reason. Everyone after him, hasn't been a chance...They've just been a distraction. Paul thinks I'm wrong about this. I know what I know, no one else is privvy to that information but me.
I don't deny it, in person I am a difficult person to get to know. I'm hard on others, because I'm just as hard on myself. I don't tell people what I want, because most of the time I don't know. The Majority of the time I act like a big jerk, it keeps people at a distance. I love distance. I've been accused of being similar to a blid old dog...I'll bite ya if I don't know you, but once I do (know you that is) I'll be loyal to you forever. Not too many people have stuck around for the 2nd half of that comparison.
Note to self: work on being...less unpleasant. And when you've mastered that, maybe you can find a cure to cancer.
swirly said what she needed to say 1:39 AM
Conan is on Carson! My two faves!
swirly said what she needed to say 12:44 AM
Tuesday, April 09, 2002
My aunts funeral was yesterday. I thought it was weird (reasons to follow). My mom isn't a crier, but I think that the death of one of her favorite grandmother last year and then the most recent death of her favorite sister-in-law kinda took its toll. I feel bad for her. If we were Jewish, we'd be doing the whole shivvah (sp?) thing. And at the end, there would be a rabbi to help us "re-emerge into the world". That's sounds like a pretty cool deal. My thought is that the people who are actually dead have got it better than everyone else. They don't have to wonder what part they are to play in the mourning . That's what is always the hardest. I never know what to do. Whatever it is, it just never seems to be right. So of course, my feeling of being a total spaz seems to be more visible to everyone else.
The service, it wasn't really a funeral because she had been cremated Friday morning, was held in a really nice chapel. We went to sit with the family, but then discovered that Kathy's family didn't see us as family at all; because "she married into" us. How do you tell your heart that there's a difference?
Reasons I thought the service was weird:
Her family excluded us from the whole grieving process.
There was nothing to represent her at her service...no casket, no urn, no picture, etc.
The pastor that officiated kept telling the mourners that we were sinners and we should make peace with God. He didn't celebrate her life at all. Who wants to go to a service only to be told that you're a sinner and you need to be saved?
They played 2 Pink Floyd songs, and a song by Metallica and moved right into singing the Lords Prayer. It was so odd that I giggled. Kathy would have laughed too.
I saw my mom cry.
My Uncle's 1st wife sat with us and then talked to herself the entire service.
Kathy was cool. I remember that she and my uncle were the only 2 people outside of my immediate family that showed up for my college graduation. It really meant a lot to me.
swirly said what she needed to say 10:05 PM
Sunday, April 07, 2002
Ok, I realize that I don't live anywhere near California...but for those of you who do and are single, I think this sounds really cool. Let me know if you drop your name into the pot. hey, is James single? I think this could be right up his alley.
p.s. Gotta love life when life loves you.
swirly said what she needed to say 12:55 AM
Friday, April 05, 2002
1. What are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day? Flip on the tv to british television so I can find out what's going on in the rest of the world. Turn on the computer. Turn on the shower and grab my toothbrush and tootpaste (yes, I brush my teeth while I shower). Once I'm outta the shower, I then get food for my cats. Feeding my cats, Connie, Lily, and Yeowzer; who all seem to think that if they act like total fools in the morning that will get me moving faster. Little do they know that I am the queen of tuning things out.
2. What are the last things that you do at night before going to bed? Take a shower. Read 2 chapters of whatever book I'm reading at the time. Check the cats water bowl. Change my pillow cases. And then I have a nightly date with Conan....ah, Conan. Is there nothing he can't do?
3. What daily routine have you recently added to your day? Wait...I'm supposed to be adding stuff to my routine? If I had to say I adding anything to my daily routine it would be me trying not to act like a big jerk everyday to people I thought were morons. But reading back over that last sentence, I realize that I am failing miserably.
4. What routine do you wish you get rid of? Scooping cat litter. I'm lazy.
5. What's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day? I check my bank account balance everyday. I'm not sure why, because the amount never seem to change.
swirly said what she needed to say 11:57 AM
I used to work across the street from this building. I miss working downtown. I messed the print up in developement. I was trying to make the angel darker and the rest of the background light, but I jacked it up somewhere in the processing. I'm still learning.
swirly said what she needed to say 11:30 AM
Tuesday, April 02, 2002
I just got finished watching Ghost World and thought it was one of the best movies I've seen in a very long time. If you have the chance, see it.
swirly said what she needed to say 8:47 PM
Monday, April 01, 2002
Does anyone else think that this guy has it all figured out?
nothing here. please move on. Sunday, March 31, 2002 It's the starbucks phenomenon. The thing that everyone loves to hate, yet, with sheepish expressions, we hide when confronted with our own ignorance.
In my experience, however limited, life is a series of beliefs. Beliefs that hover above us, breaking the way in everything that we do. Whether it is the belief that anti-conformity somehow brings validity to your life, or the belief that a good job is the key to success, or that religion is the key to salvation, or whatever your conviction is, we all have one, or two, or three, or a hundred.
Really, is any one's belief or conviction any more profound, or earth shattering, or meaningful then anothers? I don't think so. We are all songs from the same band, but we all have a different tempo, and a different meaning. Ultimately, no one's perspective is any more relevant then anothers. Everyone thinks that their particular conviction is the most important, and that somehow they hold the key to the lock.
We all have a key, but there is no door to unlock.
swirly said what she needed to say 9:46 PM
Let's talk about life throwing you weird idiosyncrasies at you, ok?
I've spent this morning working on 5 things:
Doing my taxes
Looking for a job
Working on my portfolio, just in case someone wants to see it at a job interview
Putting the finishing touches on a newsletter I've got to send out.
Getting information one the graphics design classes I start with in May.
I'm more than half way through the said list, when I walk out to the mailbox and pull out a crap load of mail. I'm sorting through the mail and see a small white envelope addressed to me--with my ex's address on it. He hasn't spoken to me since October, and our first communication since then is a freakin' U.S. postal service letter??? what the hell? And then, the letter is nothing more than to tell me that his grandmother has died earlier in March. Do you ever get the feeling that people around you know when you're questioning yourself? Phil's letter is the perfect example. Lately, I've been totally down on myself; doing all of the normal self-loathing bullcrap. And then his letter shows up. Most girls I know would be boo-hooing their eyes out and hopping on the phone to call this guy. Not me. It just pisssed me off. Who is he to be looking for my comfort?
I'm really sorry that Phil's grandmother died. Here's my guff: Isn't it in the breakup handbook or something that once you have broken up, all obligatory ties to the ex's family are dissolved? I mean, I'm not calling his ass up to tell him about my Aunt who's got 3 weeks left to live, or my white trash cousin that's in jail for selling weed. I haven't subjected him to my aunt's weekly dinner on Sunday or anything else. Maybe I'm just mean about this. It's just hard to have any kind of contact with him, even if it isn't direct or verbal.
The other weirdness is that I just got finished watching Sugar and Spice. There's a chick in the movie that is totally obsessed with Conan! While we were all watching it, and laughing at "stalker Betty" I was actually doing that nervous chuckle. You know, where you suddenly see what could be if you don't curb the Conan fascination...Stalker Betty was the only cool part of the movie.
swirly said what she needed to say 6:12 PM
